THE NIGHT WHEN TWO KINDRED SPIRITS MET

I have been lured to believe that the only matter I love the most is my lovelessness as if I elicit pleasure from pain and animus. Countless nights were spent conspiring with myself and myself only the design of eternal happiness of being alone. I am ready to yield and embrace the defeat that I long thought destined to be mine for I have struggled to win the battle of love. I was about to give up and relinquish my agenda.

You have haunted my dreams for a long time. Dreams that has extracted from me the most miserable of all thoughts of desire. I knew then that dreams were just dreams and were conjured by the mind to satisfy itself as in reality it may not come to be. And yet, I let myself be enslaved by it, satiating myself of lurid imaginations of bountiful love. The illusion of you and your love made me endure the sweetness of the amorous heaven yet sensing the touch of the fires of hell scorching my skin. It is sometimes so shameful that I refuse to look at myself in the mirror, afraid that my own reflection would turn its back on me.

And yes, I grew tired of it. Exhausted, I confronted the harsh reality that I have so dedicatedly ran away from in my entire life. The truth that I was alone, I am alone and I will be alone.

Then suddenly, you were there. You came into my life like a misguided mist, swiftly enveloping my fragile body and made me shudder and felt you in every tissue . . . . . . in every vein. There are times that I caught waking myself up thinking that I am in a long and deep slumber. You were there in the flesh and you made me believe that I am dreaming no more.

You came to me as if saying, "I'm handing my pride to you on a silver platter. Take over me and I’m yours and I will love you and trust you enough to be vulnerable."

Those words were like wings, which lifted me up to the clouds, words that sounded music coming from the strumming of a harp. Those words are so sincere it hypnotizes. I was captivated as you look into my eyes and speak to my mind. I was struck in awe.

The fire with which you burned me exhales such fine smoke that you cannot deny having been dazzled by it, though you may find blame in those blackening fumes. The sole power of your gaze made me abandon the weapons of pride and leads me to implore you to demand of me my life. How much I myself have fostered your victory over me, I who began fighting as one who wishes to be defeated, offering to your attack the most vulnerable part of my body: a heart already weeping tears of blood, proof that you have deprived my house of water to make it prey to the fire whose victim I am, through your so brief regard.

There are myriad of thoughts blurring my mind at that time. They are like birds in the sky, flying endlessly into the void. But among those birds, only one stands out - like a phoenix whose fire never seizes, whose brightness outshines the sun. You are that phoenix. Neruda, whom I worship, is no match against you.

I used to discard the notion of reincarnation but the moment that you stepped into my door, I have reincarnated as if resuscitated. I resurrected from the dead and for the first time in my life I felt the warmth of my blood flowing in me like a wild river borne upon the passing of a storm. The moment that you kissed me, you breathed life into me. Finally, I sprang from the deep paralysis of a living dead.

I loved you so much that I offered you the life, which I believe is not mine for you have given it to me. And if you would take it away from me, I would give it to you wholeheartedly.

When I felt your flesh touched mine, I couldn't help myself but relish that moment, which seemed to last an eternity. Time was non-existent. You made me surrender all that I have built for the previous years of my life. You gratified the frailty of my emotion as my reasoning collapsed like a castle made of sand washed away by the sea. You made me devour my arrogance and confess to the sins that I have committed and would eventually commit.

As you whispered the words that I longed to hear ever since my mind could conceptualize sense, I felt completed. And as our hands locked together, they were one.

Fortune favors the unfortunate. You have taken my life again. Yes, you are a mist that comes into the night and soon evaporates as the night gets older. It didn’t take much time for my veins to be dehydrated of blood and my heart stopped beating as my body went back to its natural home: death.

I was once again, frail and fragile, lifeless and insensible.

As I look back at that moment, I could sense no regret or whatsoever on what I have done and what you have done to me. The night when our souls are one seemed to be eternal. I would hold it dearly in my heart not as a scar but as a monument that would remind me that once in my life, I felt alive and rejuvenated. No matter how brief the time was, it was still the night when two kindred spirits met and there are a thousand and more words how to portray it. This is just one.

ALMOST. BOX. THE RIGHT AND THE WRONG

ALMOST

“I almost lost him”, I thought while staring out of the cab window, passing through the darkness of Marcos Highway.

When I reached my friend’s house, I told them what my problem was. I got blank stares, empty smiles but most of them said nothing but, “Gaga ka!”

I asked them, “Baket? Anung mali?”

One friend responded at the top of his ill-mannered falsetto, “The fact the iniisip mo na pwede, eh maling-mali na?!?!?!”

I stood, raised my eyebrows, and swished my slender arms, “EH PANO KUNG SOULMATE KO SIYA!?!?! Grabe ka ‘teh? Porque ba badez tayo eh bawal na …. Grabe ka mang-stereotype ha! 
Witchelles ako naka-kahon!?”

And I drank my last bottle of happy horse.

BOX

As a little child, I have always wondered why my grandad would never let me play with the neighborhood girls. He would always tell me, "Hindi ka dapat nakikipaglaro sa kanila", and period. I didn't know what the restriction all about is. All I knew was "I should not". But I enjoyed playing with the neighborhood girls. I enjoyed the swiftness and the ability to be agile and flexible playing tinikling. I loved the sway of palm and wrist and the strategy of jackstone while watching the plastic stars disappear with the bounce of the rubber ball. My eyes glow and my smile gleam as barbie dolls were dressed up and hairstyled.

I never got the chance to understand and appreciate the physicality and brutality of the neighborhood boys’ games of “Tug of War”, “Agawan Base” or “Sipa Ball”. I always find it tiring and irritating as you sweat all afternoon and smell like “araw” in the end. It was never fun!

As I grew older, little by little I realized that I was not supposed to play with girls just because I am not girl and I am supposed to be play with the boys just because I am a boy (I would like to put a hard emphasis on the word “supposed”).

In reality, we all know that we are bound by rules. We are NOT SUPPOSED to do things JUST BECAUSE we are not supposed to. We live and we breathe by the rules. But there are indeed MAJOR rules that need to be followed and these are the things that make a society a solid one. Well, let’s just think about the most basic ones that Moses “supposedly” to have carried from Mt. Sinai and delivered to the ailing Humankind. These make people live peacefully, mutually and harmoniously. Okay! This is already given! I am not to talk about the rules of humanity, the Ten Commandments or the constitution of the Republic of the Philippines – as civilized people, we all know how these run.

I guess what I would like to talk about here are STEREOTYPES and STEREOTYPING.

As how the freedictionary.com define stereotype:  A conventional, formulaic, and oversimplified conception, opinion, or image 

Now, we all believe that every person is an individual and every person is unique. Yet almost every person would like to belong to a certain clique and almost every person would like to follow the fad and be “belong”. That’s how I find us contradicting, we want to be personalized and yet we want to belong to a certain group and be accepted because of common goals and perspectives.

I have my own share of stereotyping. Just because of my sexual preference, I have been stereotyped as someone without direction and focused and as someone WHO SHOULD NOT BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. It hurts a lot when you are being compared to a straight guy when all he knows is nothing but copy and paste things while you can bring out an entire philosophy based from nothing by purely statistics. It pains me when people think of you as someone who’s just filled with carnal thoughts and malice. Above all, what hurts the most is that you are judged just because of your sexual preference without getting to know the real you.

Partly, it might be my fault just because I am flamboyant, loud, voracious, someone who would always express his mind and just simply being fabulous. A clear stereotypical formula of a gay guy. The tendency is people would perceive me the way they see how most gays are.

But I guess what’s always important is the concept of TWISI-TWYSI. It’s meeting perspectives. It’s the concept of making reality to be in the middle of TWISI (The Way I See It) and TWYSI (The Way You See It).

The event of being stereotyped, whether it’s about sexual preference, religion, sex, position, politics, musical influences, job, etc, has always been inevitable, As human beings, we are made to judge each other. The only important thing is how we will rise from that judgement and make people believe that we are different and not just because we are like this THEN WE SHOULD BE LIKE THIS.

Yes. We can always say, “Who the fuck cares!?” but in reality, everybody cares!

There is still the thin line of what’s right and what’s wrong.

THE RIGHT and THE WRONG

Have you ever been caught in the middle of THE RIGHT and THE WRONG? In some cases, we are bound to make stupid actions and decisions mainly based on our clouded thoughts and perhaps infatuation.

We may think that we are in THE RIGHT when we do things our way and in the process makes us HAPPY or SATISFIED, while at the back of our heads, we know for sure that what we were doing WERE COMPLETELY and UTTERLY WRONG?

The hard question is how to we compensate with the WRONGNESS of our actions? Do we correct it by stopping what we were doing? Or by just merely running away from it?

It is really hard to accept flaws and wrong decisions that lead to harsh results. But I guess, the results will always be the results; how we would deal with it makes more of the difference.

THE KNOWN UNKNOWNS

WHEN IT WAS UNKNOWN -

Roughly around three Mondays ago  - I just experienced the most grueling two hours of my life. I have faced the four horsemen of the apocalypse who scrutinized every bits and pieces of the words that came out of my mouth conjured from pressured and later on tired thoughts.

I guess it's about time for me to move to a new chapter in my life. My ambition drove me to success and I hope that this same ambition will drive me to greater heights. I have sought a higher position, which is lined up in my career goals. The initial question is, "Will I get it?" Honestly, I do not want to expect too much and be that overconfident to not even look into, "what if you don't get it?". Plan B has already been set in place. In addition, for a person as stubborn and demanding as me, I have developed the skill not to over-expect because in experience wise, countless of times I have over-expected, and countless of times, I have been over-frustrated.

The next question is, "Am I ready for it?" 75% of me says yes, and 25% is as sh!t-scared as a 5 year old boy not wanting to see the tikbalang in the backyard.

Anyway, through time, I have learned that the key to life is always going for it. There's no point of staring at nothingness and waiting for nothing! Fate is useless unless we do something about it. We carve our own destiny and there has never been a grand universal masterplan that has already been woven for us just waiting to be unfolded. I have always thought about that concept as nothing but pure absurdity. I made myself what I am right now, no sorries .... No regrets!

In reality, the coin has only two faces, I might get the. job or I might get ditched! I am open to all possibilities. The big question is: How will I handle it?

We live in a life of unforeseen circumstances. As human beings, we were made to think ahead, and ask ourselves "What we want to be?" as early as little kids. Part of our nature is ambition. But sometimes ambition does not only drive us to success, in some cases ambition leads us to failure. Too much ambition signifies selfishness and might result to stepping onto boundaries and limitations, in certain cases, stepping onto someone else. This is when ambition becomes bloody and definitely unhealthy.

In the end, we know what will happen. Danger and failure come from the things we imagined. The distinction between "known unknowns", the things we know we don't know, and "unknown unknowns", the things we don't know we don't know.

NOW THAT IT’S KNOWN -

Four days ago, the “unknown” has been revealed. Was I crushed? Of course! Was I disappointed? Very much?!?! Did I sour grape? Hell yeah!

So now, that the “unknown” has been “known”, “What will happen next?”

I have tried to think about it for the past four days but my mind shuts down and shifts to a different thought every time I try to lay down a plan on what will happen ahead. Is this my self-defense mechanism? Maybe! Maybe I’m protecting myself from running around shouting indiscernible blabbers or running to the beach and drowning myself!

Right now, I am feeling in the blanks. I am trying to feel it, right now. And since I’m feeling it, my emotions are taking over, and when emotions are in charge, rationality is out of the picture.

After the bad news, someone told me, “Don’t let yourself be eaten by the void.” I honestly don’t know what this means, but I know that I have too much self-respect to let myself be destroyed by just one failure.

If it’s not for me, then it’s not for me. Maybe someone is more “special” than me. I have no other choice but to accept.

I feel bad, down, frustrated, disappointed, unwanted, and worthless. – THIS IS THE PRESENT. 

As far as the future is concerned – WELL, I WON’T BE FEELING IN THE BLANKS anymore … I WILL CREATE MY OWN FUTURE … AND I WILL FILL IN THE BLANKS MYSELF – No one has the power to stop me from what I want. I am writing my own destiny and F*CK all BAD VIBES!

As a five year old kid would say … “NEK NEK NYO! SAKSAK NYO NA LANG YAN SA BAGA NYO!”

Haha!

SHAKE. SHOOK. SHAKEN.

A lot of things had recently shaken up the world. There’s the earth-shaking 8.9 magnitude earthquake in Japan, immediately followed by a nuclear disaster. Coincidentally, I am also getting my own share of shaking.
Egypt, the most populous country in the Arab world, erupted in mass protests in January 2011, as the revolution in Tunisia inflamed decades worth of smoldering grievances against the heavy-handed rule of President Hosni Mubarak. After 18 days of angry protests and after losing of the support of the military and the United States, Mr. Mubarak resigned on Feb. 11, ending 30 years of autocratic rule. The citizens of Egypt were successful in getting what they wanted. Change in government, change in management and of course, change in leadership!

Just a few weeks after that, a threat to civil war erupted in Libya. Same with Egypt's case the unrest in Libya is mainly caused by the people's dissatisfaction with their leader. But unlike Mumbarak, Libya's ruler, Col. Muammar el-Qaddafi, does not show any signs of stepping down and acts on a strong and aggressive show of force to eliminate his opposition. Though it began with a relatively organized core of antigovernment opponents in Benghazi, its spread to the capital of Tripoli was swift and spontaneous. Colonel Qaddafi lashed out with a level of violence unseen in either of the other uprisings, but an inchoate opposition cobbled together the semblance of a transitional government, fielded a makeshift rebel army and portrayed itself to the West and Libyans as an alternative to Colonel Qaddafi's four decades of freakish rule.

And now, even though NATO allied forces are also showing direct aggression towards Qaddafi, taking the side of Libyan opposition, it seems that as of the moment, there's no shaking up the Qaddafi, which is causing further complication.

On top of these, other Arab nations like Bahrain, and Yemen are also being shaken up by political unrest just because a change of leadership is being clamored for.
These are also all too familiar for Filipinos with the series of EDSA revolutions which toppled unwanted leaders.
It only shows how fragile people can become once dissatisfaction towards their leaders has arisen. And it only brings about the idea that chaos occurs when no effective leader is driving the society. Opposition occurs, lawlessness happens and the paramount of it all is when a revolution erupts, which may result to total chaos. This is the total dissolution of the community, which is the worst thing that can happen.

This can also be a common denominator in the corporate world. Sometimes, the subordinates' feelings and opinions towards the change of leadership runs parallel on how society calls for it. But the major difference is that in the corporate world, people's revolt leads to insubordination, and insubordination has always been proven counterproductive. In a democratic society, we elect our leaders, in the corporate world, we don’t elect our bosses.

I guess, we are already lucky right now that corporate management has transformed already from a managerial-autocratic rule into a participative and cooperative leadership. Now, as employees, you think that you are important and you are given the chance to air out your opinions regarding your satisfaction towards the company that you are working for. Nowadays, big corporations are more inclined into keeping and improving their people rather than firing them. And one good strategy in keeping people is making them feel satisfied.

So, it’s going to be a big avalanche when employees altogether started to feel unsatisfied not just because of a sudden mass hysteria but because of a series of undesirable (and not unfortunate) events.

And in most cases, it’s really up to the leaders to manage and contain these kinds of situation. And in cases like this, what the employees need is a LEADER and not really a manager.

A leader who do not have subordinates - at least not when they are leading. That when they want to lead, they have to give up formal authoritarian control, because to lead is to have followers, and following is always a voluntary activity.

Someone who does not tell people what to do, because telling people what to do does not inspire them to follow. It does not inspire creativity and independence.

A leader who needs to appeal to his people, showing how following them will lead to their hearts' desire. Leaders with a stronger charisma find it easier to attract people to their cause. As a part of their persuasion they typically promise transformational benefits, such that their followers will not just receive extrinsic rewards but will somehow become better people.

In a nutshell, I guess the time has passed when people should be considered has half imbeciles that need to be commanded upon all the time. We have all evolved into a thinking men and women, whom based through life and work experience should be able to work together as a team and not as merely pawns. A strong team needs a strong leader. And a strong team can shake things up and make things happen.

ON “LEAVINGS” AND “STAYINGS”

John Mayer - All We Ever Do Is Say Goodbye


Two days ago, KEVIN bid farewell and said goodbye to SITEL. He will be moving on to Convergys together with the other PayPal peeps. The good thing about this is that Kevin never had a hard time leaving the company and the best thing about this is they were offered salaries way higher than what we are getting from SITEL. So, nobody can really blame him from leaving. And nobody can really STOP him from leaving. It’s plainly a career move.

The thing about leaving is the risk of entering a new environment that you may not be prepared for. Something that can shock you totally, catch you off-guarded and make you think later on that the risk that you have taken is not really worth it. But that’s just the dark side of it.  Another thing about leaving is the sacrifice. You sacrifice your friends, the relationships that have been built stronger through time and the reputation that you have already invested on. The latter is the hardest thing to let go. In most cases, people don’t leave because they are too scared in losing on what has been started. I’m one of these people.

I lot of my closest friends in SITEL already left. The question they ask me is, “WHY ARE YOU STAYING?”

My basic answer is that I’m too lazy to move out and move to another company. I already have a COMFORT ZONE in SITEL and I’m afraid to leave that COMFORT ZONE. And like what I said, I’m scared – what if I won’t be as successful as I was when I was in SITEL (although I know how uberly awesome I am – the inevitable may still happen)? And I still have friends. My colleagues, my bosses, my agents who are an integral part of my SITEL life.

So, no matter how things turn out super shitty, I think that my reasons for staying would still supersede my impatience and dissatisfaction towards the management and the company as a whole.

I’M A BB GIRL.

On to a different topic, I bought myself a BlackBerry. It’s one of those impulsive-spur-of-the-moment thingies. I wanted to return it after a day but as Farrah said, I deserve it and I should really give a gift for myself, which made me realize – I’ve never bought something expensive for myself for a very long time.

The annoying though is that until now, I still can’t browse facebook and damn globe still won’t let me update my plan to the newer ones when I’m 3 months to the end of my contract.

Another annoying thing is that I have been using it for the past 5 days and I still text like an 85 year old man.

QUITTING

Like leaving, I’m not really fond of quitting. When I was a kid, playing with the neighborhood kids, I rarely say “Ayawan na!” – I would keep on playing, running, competing – whatever we’re doing – unti I win.

Same goes up to this point. I would never quit on something just because I’m pissed off. Me being pissed, make me drive stronger and make my motivations far more intense.

AMERICAN IDOL

I am still standing to my opinion that the AI management are so crazy and so out of their mind in letting JLO and STEVEN TYLER stay as judges. Nothing useful comes out of their mouths. I’m still not impressed.

The contestants are also not that as exciting to watch as compared to the previous seasons.

And lastly, is Jacob Lusk gay? He is gayer than Elton John and Clay Aiken put together.

Okay. Stefano Langone is HOT and that’s just it.

THE DAY THE INFATUATION DIED

When I first saw him, I never even thought of knowing him or even knowing his name. He struck me like the first streak of lightning after a rainless season of a seemingly endless drought. He stood out amongst the hundreds of people around us. He’s unique. He’s one of a kind.

And so, the unexpected happened. He suddenly became closer than I thought or even expect of. He’s within my grasp. He’s technically two inches away from me. And still I can’t do anything about it. I guess, with all this crap, the most painful experience is when thinking of you can almost do anything but just because you think more about yourself and how other people see you … you can’t do shit about something. All you can do is fantasize … mentally conjure possible “futures” for the two of you, or look from a distance …. Smile …. Cringe … then … move on with your day to day activities.

But as if I was left with no choice, I was as vulnerable as a dog howling during full moon. I couldn’t help it. It’s the way I see him and it’s the way he sees me. He has this demeanor that can totally disarm me in a split second. He wouldn’t bat an eye lash, he knows how I feel towards him yet I don’t feel any defense mechanism or even awkwardness and that made everything even more harsh and complicated.

And although I have thought that this mere infatuation would lead me nowhere and that the probability was like hitting a $260 M jackpot in the lottery in a lifetime, I still nurtured and, worse, tried to pursue it, with the selfless thought that MAYBE something might change and that I would be lucky by him reciprocating the strong feelings I have toward him.

The good part was I knew that this was coming and it’ll lead to a disaster… the bad part was ….. I didn’t do anything about it …. And I just keep on holding on.

And it was just because I LIKED HIM. I liked seeing him. I liked talking to him. I liked being with him.
Luckily, I was equipped with enough bitterness and with enough heartaches that I let myself turn the silly infatuation off. It’s one skill that I am proud that I have and one skill that I have perfect through hard times. All

I needed was a BIG RED SIGN TO STOP …. And that flashed in front of me undoubtingly telling me to FORGET ALL ABOUT IT.

It was not easy.

But, at least now, I am very confident to say … that I have experienced the day the infatuation died

ON BIRTHDAYS … CUBAO EXPO and BROMANCE

I don’t really know what kind of air got into my head and I decided to, once again, blog. Well, post-birthday-depression could have somewhat attributed to this.

I don’t like celebrating birthdays. Birthdays for me is a bittersweet pill that you have to swallow, which will never fail to make you feel older --- one year closer to doom! (Evil laugh! Ha! Ha! Ha!)
But I had no choice but to drink four consecutive nights away. For others, they might look at it as a “long playing” birthday celebration, but for me (and for others who are close enough to know me), it’s part of the weekly routine. No biggie!

HAPPY NOTE: I received an awesome gift from the team -- E-CIGARETTE. I'm not yet nicotine free but for four days.... i have been a MARLBORO-free person! I lav et!


On a sad note, I guess it’s worth blogging that I’ve been saddened by the recent news that “Little Boy” will be leaving SITEL and moving on to another company.

So Friday was his last day, it’s pay day, and it’s the day after my birthday. Me and the “boys” went all the way to Cambridge (so soshal, right …) to finally put the Lady Gaga number together. The jamming was a blast, at the end of the two hour “rehearsals” (they don’t even say “rehearsals”), came the birth of a new genre … ha ha ha …. GLAMCORE … and as the “boys” put it – MALANDING HARDCORE! (tumbling!)

We all ended up in CUBAO EXPO. I’ve been there once, I couldn’t even remember when, and it was day time. I never thought that nights in CUBAO EXPO can be as exciting and interesting as the thrifty-hard-to-find-artsy-fartsy stores there.

We found ourselves in one of drinking spots there,“Mogwai”, which was awesome with all its artsy set-up, and all that “antique”, “deconstructed” and old-Filipino world feel.
It’s also worth exclaiming that the beer is cheap and the food is good. (Bacon-Liver with Mashed Potato is a must!)



Entirely, CUBAO EXPO is a Petri dish of anything unusual, with the perfect blend of evenly diversified people in all shapes and sizes – musicians, designers, writers, deviant students and even bums who consider “bumming” as an expression of ART and passion!

I really enjoyed that night with the “boys”.

Speaking of boys, let me just say that I generally grew up in a “male-centered” family. I have two older brothers, all my cousins are boys, my dad, who was very open about him being a “bad boy”, and my grand dad who used to be a cop. So, my (super)mom was the only feminine figure when I was growing up. Fortunately, her influence to me is far more greater that all the testosterone around me.

But I want to talk about testosterone. The word “bromance” has been thrown all around me these past few weeks because I have let myself be surrounded by boys (not in a bukkake way).

So I tried to do a little research and according to Wikipedia: Bromance is combination of the words bro or brother and romance. Editor Dave Carnie coined the term in the skateboard magazine Big Brother in the 1990s to refer specifically to the sort of relationships that develop between skaters who spent a great deal of time together. (source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bromance)




Well, I’m just happy to know that at this day and age, men are more open to this kind of stuff without actually blurring the thin line of sexuality.