I grew up in a family wherein most of us aren’t that emotional and sensitive about the feelings of one another. We rarely show and express our emotions. To be honest, I can only count using both of my hands how many times my parents said they love me. We don’t say if we are angry or not …happy or not. I guess, that was just the way we were. But I really do not have any qualms about these. I didn’t take this against them. I mean, when I finally grew up and became more mature, I know for myself that my parents and my brothers love me, and I feel the same way toward them. We just don’t use words very much often.
Now that I am writing about love, I put it that the reason why I really can’t grasp the full essence of it is maybe perhaps the way that I was brought up. It’s not that it’s a bad thing but what I am trying to say is that, I don’t have the physical image of love aside from metaphors I picked up from silly, romantic books and from tear-jerking Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan movies.
To be honest, up to this point, I really don’t think if I have that strong sense of faith and belief about love like most people do. Through time, I have been in and out of relationships, good and bad ones. But never did I experience that sort of nirvana and butterfly-in-the-stomach feeling that a lot of people describe when they fell in love. The relationships that I had were just relationships, I mean, an agreement between two consenting adults regarding being attached to one another and do all those mushy stuff people who are in love do. I just do those stuff because I think that those were the right things to do. When you are in a relationship, you are supposed to be in love … and when you are in-love, you are supposed to cuddle, have sex, share a lot of things, be together always (if not all the time). Again, I did it because I’m already in that position and not because I’m in love.
I guess, that is the big question … I do not know how to fall in love. Or maybe, I did know how to but there’s just this grand defense-mechanism scheme within my system that forced me to forget. Or maybe even perhaps forcing me not to fall in love. It’s either that or I would have to rely on the sugar-coated saying, “You’ll know it when you see the right person. All you have to do is wait.” I am writing this not out of bitterness but about the fact that I might actually be in love. And there’s no way of telling.
Here’s the thing … of course, number one, there is a guy involved, and number two, I am sort of attracted to him. The good thing is that I know when I am attracted to someone but I just don’t know if that attraction is worth it or that attraction can actually lead to something more serious or romantic than daydreaming about him shirtless.
Okay … I want to lay all the cards down on the table. Let’s weigh the gravity of this.
1. He’s a straight guy - I have a principle that a straight will never do gay unless, he will be under extreme pressure. By extreme pressure, I mean financial issues, sexuality issues and the like. But the bad thing is that it is highly unlikely for this person to have financial issues. Also, I think that he is very comfortable with his sexuality and I don’t think that he is keeping any (pink) skeletons in his closet. So that leaves me ….. no room or opportunity to exert pressure.
2. He has a girlfriend – Not only that he is a straight guy .. he is also a straight guy with a straight girl tagging along.
3. He’s sweet – I guess that’s the problem, he’s too sweet that I often misinterpret it as something different. I can’t help it … I have a bright and malicious mind. But I guess, I would have to stop here or else, I might write something that would pretty much give away what I’m talking about.
All I can say is that, I am unlike the others, who would immediately attack and take advantage of any given opportunity. I am also not the type who would impress someone just because I like the guy. I mean, I am myself, and if he is really to like me … then, he would have to like me as it is. But if he doesn’t, then, I really can’t do anything about it.
All in all, I’m not that too much “Head Over Heels” with him. It’s just that … I’m curious… on what may happen but I can survive without thinking about him. And I am concerned about the other people who might actually be experiencing the same thing I do. And I don’t know if I should do something about it.
Wutever … let’s just see what happens …
