Monday, May 2, 2011



Roughly around three Mondays ago  - I just experienced the most grueling two hours of my life. I have faced the four horsemen of the apocalypse who scrutinized every bits and pieces of the words that came out of my mouth conjured from pressured and later on tired thoughts.

I guess it's about time for me to move to a new chapter in my life. My ambition drove me to success and I hope that this same ambition will drive me to greater heights. I have sought a higher position, which is lined up in my career goals. The initial question is, "Will I get it?" Honestly, I do not want to expect too much and be that overconfident to not even look into, "what if you don't get it?". Plan B has already been set in place. In addition, for a person as stubborn and demanding as me, I have developed the skill not to over-expect because in experience wise, countless of times I have over-expected, and countless of times, I have been over-frustrated.

The next question is, "Am I ready for it?" 75% of me says yes, and 25% is as sh!t-scared as a 5 year old boy not wanting to see the tikbalang in the backyard.

Anyway, through time, I have learned that the key to life is always going for it. There's no point of staring at nothingness and waiting for nothing! Fate is useless unless we do something about it. We carve our own destiny and there has never been a grand universal masterplan that has already been woven for us just waiting to be unfolded. I have always thought about that concept as nothing but pure absurdity. I made myself what I am right now, no sorries .... No regrets!

In reality, the coin has only two faces, I might get the. job or I might get ditched! I am open to all possibilities. The big question is: How will I handle it?

We live in a life of unforeseen circumstances. As human beings, we were made to think ahead, and ask ourselves "What we want to be?" as early as little kids. Part of our nature is ambition. But sometimes ambition does not only drive us to success, in some cases ambition leads us to failure. Too much ambition signifies selfishness and might result to stepping onto boundaries and limitations, in certain cases, stepping onto someone else. This is when ambition becomes bloody and definitely unhealthy.

In the end, we know what will happen. Danger and failure come from the things we imagined. The distinction between "known unknowns", the things we know we don't know, and "unknown unknowns", the things we don't know we don't know.


Four days ago, the “unknown” has been revealed. Was I crushed? Of course! Was I disappointed? Very much?!?! Did I sour grape? Hell yeah!

So now, that the “unknown” has been “known”, “What will happen next?”

I have tried to think about it for the past four days but my mind shuts down and shifts to a different thought every time I try to lay down a plan on what will happen ahead. Is this my self-defense mechanism? Maybe! Maybe I’m protecting myself from running around shouting indiscernible blabbers or running to the beach and drowning myself!

Right now, I am feeling in the blanks. I am trying to feel it, right now. And since I’m feeling it, my emotions are taking over, and when emotions are in charge, rationality is out of the picture.

After the bad news, someone told me, “Don’t let yourself be eaten by the void.” I honestly don’t know what this means, but I know that I have too much self-respect to let myself be destroyed by just one failure.

If it’s not for me, then it’s not for me. Maybe someone is more “special” than me. I have no other choice but to accept.

I feel bad, down, frustrated, disappointed, unwanted, and worthless. – THIS IS THE PRESENT. 

As far as the future is concerned – WELL, I WON’T BE FEELING IN THE BLANKS anymore … I WILL CREATE MY OWN FUTURE … AND I WILL FILL IN THE BLANKS MYSELF – No one has the power to stop me from what I want. I am writing my own destiny and F*CK all BAD VIBES!

As a five year old kid would say … “NEK NEK NYO! SAKSAK NYO NA LANG YAN SA BAGA NYO!”