Tuesday, August 2, 2011


I have been lured to believe that the only matter I love the most is my lovelessness as if I elicit pleasure from pain and animus. Countless nights were spent conspiring with myself and myself only the design of eternal happiness of being alone. I am ready to yield and embrace the defeat that I long thought destined to be mine for I have struggled to win the battle of love. I was about to give up and relinquish my agenda.

You have haunted my dreams for a long time. Dreams that has extracted from me the most miserable of all thoughts of desire. I knew then that dreams were just dreams and were conjured by the mind to satisfy itself as in reality it may not come to be. And yet, I let myself be enslaved by it, satiating myself of lurid imaginations of bountiful love. The illusion of you and your love made me endure the sweetness of the amorous heaven yet sensing the touch of the fires of hell scorching my skin. It is sometimes so shameful that I refuse to look at myself in the mirror, afraid that my own reflection would turn its back on me.

And yes, I grew tired of it. Exhausted, I confronted the harsh reality that I have so dedicatedly ran away from in my entire life. The truth that I was alone, I am alone and I will be alone.

Then suddenly, you were there. You came into my life like a misguided mist, swiftly enveloping my fragile body and made me shudder and felt you in every tissue . . . . . . in every vein. There are times that I caught waking myself up thinking that I am in a long and deep slumber. You were there in the flesh and you made me believe that I am dreaming no more.

You came to me as if saying, "I'm handing my pride to you on a silver platter. Take over me and I’m yours and I will love you and trust you enough to be vulnerable."

Those words were like wings, which lifted me up to the clouds, words that sounded music coming from the strumming of a harp. Those words are so sincere it hypnotizes. I was captivated as you look into my eyes and speak to my mind. I was struck in awe.

The fire with which you burned me exhales such fine smoke that you cannot deny having been dazzled by it, though you may find blame in those blackening fumes. The sole power of your gaze made me abandon the weapons of pride and leads me to implore you to demand of me my life. How much I myself have fostered your victory over me, I who began fighting as one who wishes to be defeated, offering to your attack the most vulnerable part of my body: a heart already weeping tears of blood, proof that you have deprived my house of water to make it prey to the fire whose victim I am, through your so brief regard.

There are myriad of thoughts blurring my mind at that time. They are like birds in the sky, flying endlessly into the void. But among those birds, only one stands out - like a phoenix whose fire never seizes, whose brightness outshines the sun. You are that phoenix. Neruda, whom I worship, is no match against you.

I used to discard the notion of reincarnation but the moment that you stepped into my door, I have reincarnated as if resuscitated. I resurrected from the dead and for the first time in my life I felt the warmth of my blood flowing in me like a wild river borne upon the passing of a storm. The moment that you kissed me, you breathed life into me. Finally, I sprang from the deep paralysis of a living dead.

I loved you so much that I offered you the life, which I believe is not mine for you have given it to me. And if you would take it away from me, I would give it to you wholeheartedly.

When I felt your flesh touched mine, I couldn't help myself but relish that moment, which seemed to last an eternity. Time was non-existent. You made me surrender all that I have built for the previous years of my life. You gratified the frailty of my emotion as my reasoning collapsed like a castle made of sand washed away by the sea. You made me devour my arrogance and confess to the sins that I have committed and would eventually commit.

As you whispered the words that I longed to hear ever since my mind could conceptualize sense, I felt completed. And as our hands locked together, they were one.

Fortune favors the unfortunate. You have taken my life again. Yes, you are a mist that comes into the night and soon evaporates as the night gets older. It didn’t take much time for my veins to be dehydrated of blood and my heart stopped beating as my body went back to its natural home: death.

I was once again, frail and fragile, lifeless and insensible.

As I look back at that moment, I could sense no regret or whatsoever on what I have done and what you have done to me. The night when our souls are one seemed to be eternal. I would hold it dearly in my heart not as a scar but as a monument that would remind me that once in my life, I felt alive and rejuvenated. No matter how brief the time was, it was still the night when two kindred spirits met and there are a thousand and more words how to portray it. This is just one.