I encountered a lot of people who were asking how or why I turned out to be gay. Honestly speaking, even I can’t really figure out the exact reasons and details on how I was turned from an ugly moth into a fabulous butterfly.
One thing I know for sure is that when my mom brought me into this horrible world. Nobody knew that I will turn out gay; otherwise, I should have been a supermodel by now hiding under the name of Nicole.
What I could remember, though, was that when I was very young I like playing Barbie dolls, tinikling, jackstone, tinda-tindahan, etc. I really hated physical games. I don’t like running, hitting someone with a ball …. I hate sports. At that time, I should have felt that my fingers were sticking out all over the place and that my right eyebrow was always an inch higher than the other one. My grandfather (may he rest in peace) always used to tell me that it is not proper for a boy to play Barbie dolls, etc. He always tells me that I should come out and play with other boys and if I don’t I’ll grow up to be a fag. So, I was shocked and scared out of my wits. At that time, I didn’t want to grow up gay. I did what I have to do. I followed my grandfather’s advice and I built this mindset that I am a guy.
During elementary days, nobody suspected that the blood running through my veins is prettier than pink. And because I was a consistent honor student, there were a lot of girls in my school who adored me. I also had several crushes as well. I even courted a girl for crying out loud. I had my first girlfriend when I was in grade five.
I noticed back then that I had this thing for majorettes. Well, of course, at that time, I wasn’t sure if I was ATTRACTED to majorettes or I wanted to BECOME a majorette myself. But I really didn’t bother about it. I was still confident with my sexuality. I was still walking tall with my pseudo-heterosexual head held up high.
During the first half of highshool, I had two different (wait ….. I have to throw up ….. ) girlfriends. (And I am having goosebumps right now by just writing about it. This is giving me the creeps). Also, during that time, I had this very close friend, Nikolai. He actually resembled Patrick Garcia at those times. We were bestfriends and we were inseparable.
During the Junior year, Nikolai courted one of our friends, Martha, and I on the other hand, courted another girl. But during that point in time, I felt something very wrong going on inside of me. I really couldn’t understand what that was. I always had these mood swings as if I am an old maid on the verge of being in the menopausal phase of life. And when I had these mood swings I always get into an argument with Nikolai. Most of the times, I would concoct a reason out of thin air just for us to argue and just for me to be mad at Nikolai.
And so I thought, the reason behind those mood swings was that I also like Martha. And so I dropped my interest with the other girl that I was courting and I also pursued Martha with Nikolai as my main adversary. It was a very long and complicated process that even our group of friends got rumbled up altogether.
Until it came to a point, wherein it got so complicated and I was so confused that I didn’t even know what I was doing anymore.
And then, the reality hit me …. Just like that …. It was Nikolai that I like and not Martha.
At first it was really hard to accept that I had deep emotional feelings with a guy. I knew it was wrong. I knew that it was against every known principle that I believed in for so long. I couldn’t hide it and I couldn’t lie about it. I couldn’t hide my true feelings and even though, I knew that revealing it might not be a very good idea, I declared my love to Nikolai. And that was the day when my heterosexuality was sucked into the blackhole of “oh-so-forgotten-past”.
And then, my enlightenment started and everything made sense to me. I was able to see life in a different and a more vivid perspective. When I went out, I felt that a large chunk was lifted off of my shoulders and I actually felt better.
Well, the sad part is that, Nikolai and I didn’t end up together because he said that he wasn’t gay (back then).
But the good thing is that I was able to come out of my shell and discovered who I really was. For me, I think that it was partly a matter of personal choice and partly law of nature. I didn’t force myself to be gay. And I didn’t force myself to love Nikolai more than just a friend. It just came and I felt it. When you felt the first spark of true love, it is way different, and you know it when it finally hits you.
The only thing that I had to do was to make a choice. And I made that choice …. To accept who I am, which was hard … damn hard.
So that’s the story. And that was when my life actually started.
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