And so, the unexpected happened. He suddenly became closer than I thought or even expect of. He’s within my grasp. He’s technically two inches away from me. And still I can’t do anything about it. I guess, with all this crap, the most painful experience is when thinking of you can almost do anything but just because you think more about yourself and how other people see you … you can’t do shit about something. All you can do is fantasize … mentally conjure possible “futures” for the two of you, or look from a distance …. Smile …. Cringe … then … move on with your day to day activities.
But as if I was left with no choice, I was as vulnerable as a dog howling during full moon. I couldn’t help it. It’s the way I see him and it’s the way he sees me. He has this demeanor that can totally disarm me in a split second. He wouldn’t bat an eye lash, he knows how I feel towards him yet I don’t feel any defense mechanism or even awkwardness and that made everything even more harsh and complicated.
And although I have thought that this mere infatuation would lead me nowhere and that the probability was like hitting a $260 M jackpot in the lottery in a lifetime, I still nurtured and, worse, tried to pursue it, with the selfless thought that MAYBE something might change and that I would be lucky by him reciprocating the strong feelings I have toward him.
The good part was I knew that this was coming and it’ll lead to a disaster… the bad part was ….. I didn’t do anything about it …. And I just keep on holding on.
And it was just because I LIKED HIM. I liked seeing him. I liked talking to him. I liked being with him.
Luckily, I was equipped with enough bitterness and with enough heartaches that I let myself turn the silly infatuation off. It’s one skill that I am proud that I have and one skill that I have perfect through hard times. All
I needed was a BIG RED SIGN TO STOP …. And that flashed in front of me undoubtingly telling me to FORGET ALL ABOUT IT.
It was not easy.
But, at least now, I am very confident to say … that I have experienced the day the infatuation died