ON COCONUTER

It was around two years ago or so when I came across one very interesting blog. Honestly, the first thing that attracted me to this blog is the blogger himself who is dead-gorgeous but later on, I realized that he is more than his gorgeous looks.

His name is David Poarch and he called himself the “Coconuter”. He’s been living in the United States for thirteen years, he’s half-pinoy and half-american. He’s a Valedictorian of his class, he attended an Ivy League College (Rice University) in Houston, Texas and he used to work for NASA. He seemed to have everything a guy of his age would want but for him, something is missing. So, he decided to leave everything behind in the United States and decided to back here in the Philippines where he was born and raised as a child with almost nothing but a couple of boxes, which included only the necessary things for him to survive. His family and friends told him that he was making a bad decision but he didn’t care he still went on to his journey.

According to him, his trip “is a leap of independence and an emphasis on self-sufficiency”. He ventured without any financial help from his family and without any extra money.

His journey began on February 21, 2006. He tried to find out how will he end up living in a rural province in the Philippines that is so far away from civilization. He said that, “even though everyone tells me I am wrong, my heart still tells me that my purpose may just be found in this radical free-spirited journey and that I just may find that "perfect (golden) coconut to fall to me from the sky" or promising opportunity, rather, that I have been looking for.”

When he arrived in the Philippines, he settled in his grandmother’s house in Zambales. Well, it was close to being a house. It had unfinished floors, unpainted walls, no ceiling – nothing but a shack with four walls and a roof. For his first few months, he tried to do everything a normal “probinsyano” would do. He went to the market everyday, he planted vegetables in his backyard, he tried to plant rice, he washed his own clothes with his bare hands, and he even raised chickens and ducks. He posted on his blog through an internet café in a nearby town and he was always rushing considering the 30 pesos an hour that he had to pay. He became well-adjusted to the simple life and narrowed down his daily budget to $3 a day.

For two years, he continuously blogged about a lot of things, especially his travels around the remote provinces.

And on October, 2006, ABS-CBN’s “Nagmamahal, Kapamilya” made a story about him. It was very touchy.

As he continued to live his pastoral life as a modern nomad in a place very far from Houston, he encountered and endured a lot of challenges, there was one time, wherein someone broke into his house and stole his clothes and his digital camera, which he uses to document his travels and his life, they even stole his chickens and his ducks. There were also instances wherein he had to eat “Champorado” for four straight days because he couldn’t afford anything. He hit rock bottom (bankrupt) a couple of times, he had to endure several days and nights without electricity because he couldn't afford it. It’s really saddening and at the same time, enlightening.

He also met the love of his life during his stay in the Philippines, they have two kids now, Thurman (born and made in the Philippines) and Thea Ivory born last December 19.

Right now, I just learned that Coconuter, his wife and kids are now living in the United States. I tried to catch up in his blog to know as to why he decided to move back to the States and how he ended his journey but I wasn’t able to find the posts about that.

But I find his entire journey very enlightening and at the same time inspiring. He writes well. There is wisdom in his words. And the fact that he chose to turn his back to everything just to experience how to live in the Philippines is very admirable.

He now blogs at: http://blog.coconuter.org

RANDOM THOUGHTS

TIS THE SEASON TO BE JOLLY!”

I’m writing from Subic because I’m spending the holidays with my family in advance (as if there’s something to celebrate). Last week, we just received an update from our clients that we will have minimial staffing for the holidays (night of the 24th and 31st) and by minimal staffing they meant everybody will have to come to work on both days. Yup! That’s one of the downside of working in a call center for those cheerful people who wants to celebrate the holidays with their loved ones and it is one of the advantages for those selfish, independent, christmas-loathing ones (like me). It gives me an excuse not to celebrate and participate with the christmas brou-haha.

One thing I really hate about the holidays is the exruciating traffic. I really don’t understand this, I mean it’s up to a point of irritation that I never intended to go anywhere outside the 500 meter radius from my place. I guess the mere travel from Libis to Makati can take up to two hours. It’s really irritating. I really have to buy a jet.

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“WIDE SCREEN, NARROW WALLET”

No gift for everyone from me … Because I spent my holiday money to buy a monitor and a CPU. October, I bought a 23-inch Sharp TV Set and then, came November, I had the itch to buy a WIDESCREEN LCD monitor. So, I ended up buying a 22-inch AOC LCD. I originally intended to buy the SAMSUNG LCD but damn its expensive, it’s like 3K more expensive than the AOC. So, I settled with what the detergent commercial said, “sing-ganda pero di sing-mahal”. With a monitor, of course, its pretty much useless, so I have to have a CPU. So I had my brother assemble a CPU for me. Wit a 15K budget, he came up with an ALL-DELL CPU, 4 GIG memory, 180G hard drive, with a CORE 2DUO processor. Sleek aint it?

My next goal is to buy a TV tuner and my fear is that after I acquired a TV Tuner, what the hell am I going to do with my 2-month old TV SET?

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“TO PARTY OR NOT TO PARTY”

Anyway, speaking about “sing-ganda pero di sing-mahal”, for the past weeks, I have been looking for a venue for our office’s christmas party. It’s kinda dreadful because it’s kinda late to look for venue at this point and also because of the fact that we don’t have that much of a budget as compared to our previous parties.

Currently, we’re looking at three different places (thanks to JenTong for recommending as well). One in eastwood, one in timog, and one in xavierville. But we still haven’t decided on what to book. We are still looking on how to really maximize our puny budget. Anyway, I also suggested that we just use the budget to buy plenty of food for everyone who’s working on XMAS and NEWYEAR’s eve.

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“I HEART SIAM”

Finally, I already saw the “Love of Siam”. It has been months since my dear friend KIARA, told me to watch the movie. Last weekend, I saw it through “crunchyroll.com”. For starters, it’s a coming-of-age gay Thai movie about these two teenage boys who grew up together. Got separated and saw each other again after a couple of years. It’s touching to the point of I’m screaming my lungs out because of the “super-kilig” scenes. But generally, it revolves about the topic of love. The sub-plots are are as strong and as provocative as the general theme of the movie. It depicts the nature of love in various forms, restricted love, love of a wife to a hopeless husband, love of a father to a lost daughter, love of two friends, obsession, puppy love, love of a stranger to a family that treated her like their own, etc .

I have to add that the lead teenage actors are super mega cute as well. I really want to recommend this movie especially to those single gay men (and not only to gay men ‘coz I think a lot of people can relate to this movie) like me who really don’t have the time and can’t affors serious relationships. It’s one thing that can make you feel in love especially at this lonely and sad time that we call the “holidays”.

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“SARAH”

I just noticed earlier while watchig ASAP how “baduy” Sarah Geronimo is. I have nothing against her, I like her voice and her singing but it’s really sad coz I think that she does not have a personal style. Moreover, doesn’t she have a stylist? I saw her “Déjà vu” segment, yeah, she can dance well, but what in world is she wearing? It’s like an 80s teacher in hell gone mad or something. And she also wore this retro-stained-glassed-printed gown while singing the Baler theme. It’s not flattering. Also, is just me or Charice really sounds like Sarah Geronimo?

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“I HEART MARION”

I heart MARION from Pinoy Fear Factor. I want to marry him. Is he gay? I honestly don’t know but I don’t give a freaking care. I want him to be the father of my babies (well it’s my alternative, if me and H won’t work out) .

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“ON A HIGH with capital H”

Speaking of H. He made my Friday very very happy. Hehehehe. That’s all I can say. (Suddenly, I felt like a high school girl writing about her crush.) Because of that I really hate him for making me feel like this. Arrrrggggh. I come to think of it, why is it that we always crave for something/someone that we know we can’t have? Well, I’m an optimistic person, I believe that everything is possible. But the possibility of me and H is like .000000001 to 1,000,000,000.

STATEMENT DAY

Yes it was a statement day for us ......

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Nothing really interesting happened today, aside from the fact that we had a THEME DAY in our office and the theme was STATEMENT DAY SHIRT, wherein people have to come in tshirts with all sorts of statements on ‘em. Well the goal is to express yourself with what you are wearin. Nothing too serious though. (And, I have to give credit to Tsokoy for sticking this idea to us, I have to admit it, I stole this from him … *wink)

There are a lot of people who came in the most creative, outrageous, funny, witty and interesting shirts. But I just don’t know on how much of these people really worn the shirt that truly expresses themselves. Some, if not most of them, perhaps worn shirts that has statements that would perfectly describe a character that they’re not but something that they could have been or something that they could be dreaming (or fantasizing) about.

Being constantly insatiable as we are as human beings, we always have desires; make it a healthy or an unhealthy desire. There are a lot of things that we would want to do. And sometimes, due to sudden rush of insecurity and self-pity, we crave to become other people. But as much as we would want to change and become somebody else, sometimes, we can’t afford it. The fear of change may hold some people back from evolving. Or sometimes, we are just too scared to face the risks of taking a different route so we’d rather be mediocre or neutral to be always on the safe zone. Some people would just stay the way they are because it’s more convenient for them. Some don’t even entertain the idea to deviate because of reputation, values, religion, and the way other people look at them. So, we behave in a manner that we think is acceptable for them. There are also times, wherein we would really want to, say be part of a rock and roll band or join a body-building contest but we are too frail-hearted to do so because we‘re conscious of what other people might say or think of us.

I don’t know about the others, but for me, perhaps I could say that I have almost done everything and anything under the sun. I have taken a lot of gambling and risks all throughout my life. I have metamorphosed from being one butterfly to the next. At a very young age, I have moved away from my family and became independent. Through this stage, I have taken a lot of routes and wrong turns. I have done a lot of silly, despicable, and out-of-this-world things. And these made me who I am today. I became stronger, learned from my mistakes and realized my strengths and weaknesses.

I just couldn’t understand how some people could remain so bland and live a risk-free life. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against them, but I just couldn’t begin to imagine how some people manage to get through their day to day life without experiencing the wilder side of things. I know that there are really people who seem to be living in a protective bubble. When they grow up and became worthless and senile, how would they be able to imbibe things to the next generation.


How can we tell how deep is the river if we will not jump to it?

But wait! It just came to me now, how sure are we that these “prim-and-proper-I-don’t-want-to-commit-a-sin” people that we are mingling or working with, are really as pristine as they appear to be? As the old cliche goes, Looks can be deceiving.

Anyway, I guess we are just really different from each other. One person can say that he is the hottest guy on the face of the earth (even though clearly, only his mother believes that). One girl can say that she is sinful (even though in reality she only has broken two out of the Ten Commandments). And then another person can say that she doesn’t know the meaning of the word boyfriend (even though she just had two at the same time). And then another one can wear a rainbow flag (a symbol of pride and diversity, even though he discriminates people with the same preference).

I just realized, perhaps earlier, there are also some people who are already stating a fact with their shirts but some of us are just too blinded with our neatly wrapped judgements about them that we all thought that they were just bluffing.

Well, in the end, life is always full of morons …. errrrr … oxymorons. There are people who are exactly how they appear to be and on the contrary, there are some who are more interesting than the way they express themselves. So, I guess, the most important thing here is that we can’t just judge people by a mere statement.

GOT MILK?

I am actually looking forward to see a lot of the most anticipated movies this coming season, but I really do not intend to miss one movie in particular. I've heard about "Milk" a couple of times a few months back, and now it's almost here.

Milk is a message movie, but more importantly, it's an openly proud and entirely self-possessed message movie that wears its progressive rhetoric on its rainbow sleeve.

I really don't know what to expect yet. I have seen the full trailer on youtube and it's already giving me goosebumps.

The movie was directed by Gus Van Sant, he is an openly gay director that etched Finding Forester and Good Will Hunting into the movie history.

Aside from that, the lead role was played by Sean Penn. Aside from being Madonna's ex-husband, he is one of my most favorite actors of all time. I never fail to feel sad whenever I see I AM SAM.

Anyway, "MILK" is a rare bio-epic based from the life of Harvey Milk (1930-1978). He was a trailblazing pioneer in 1977 when he became the first openly-gay person to be elected to political office in the State of California. The outspoken activist had represented San Francisco's Castro District as a City Supervisor for less than a year when he and Mayor George Moscone (Victor Garber) were murdered by Dan White (Josh Brolin), a disgruntled rival and former Supervisor. The assassination turned Milk into a martyr, and to this day he serves as a symbol of courage and hope for homosexuals and lesbians gays everywhere.

This is yet not another gay movie but another epic and moving movie about real life and real people. It was that that it is one of the best movies of the year, and puts Penn at the top of this year's Oscar campaign and Van Sant on the edge of movie history.

THE CALL CENTER DRAMA

This just came to me while thinking of a good thing to blog about. There are a lot of people who thinks that call center life is boring, redundant and lacks excitement …. I really BEG to DISAGREE. And as I come to think of it, the call center life can even be a very good subject for a soap or a reality show that can showcase the evocative drama of real life.

Like for example, last week has been strenuous, if not intoxicating. For starters, I finally ended up being a “coach” (supervisor) after being ping-ponged from one position to the next. I guess I just settled for that position because I have ran out of options. Thanks to the GOS, our company has streamlined the organizational chart into the agent, then the boss of the agent, then the boss of the boss of the agent, then finally the top man himself, the boss of the boss of the boss of the agent. No more quality assurance, no more work force management, and the like. Because due to the streamlining, formerly the tasks that were being accomplished by 3 different people are now assigned to just one person …. And that’s the coach.

Like what has been said in one Spiderman movie, “With great powers, come great responsibilities!”

One very close (and fabulous) friend of mine, when asked on why she decided to be a coach, her remarkable answer was, “To have the powers to bully other people around.” Yup and this is one of the perks of being a coach. But, in general, not all coaches has the ability to bully other people around, there are still some coaches, who became coaches, because of their inept quality to control and influence other people but merely because of their analytical skills or just because of their lack of personal talent, their only talent is to follow orders from their bosses.

Little by little, I am beginning to feel the pressure of my job. It takes a lot of guts and skills to juggle a handful of tasks within the shift, which at the beginning looks very impossible to accomplish. Now, I think that my dream of reconciling with my social and personal life, which was just remotely possible before, now has been totally obliterated.

There is one very good agent that I know who always thought twice of becoming coach, she thinks that if you have a family (a husband/wife and a kid) makes you less qualified of being coach because the job will eat up most of your time. Little would you know, you are already being kicked out of your bed and your kid won’t recognize you anymore. After carefully pondering about it, I realized that’s partly true; almost all of our coaches are single and not committed (ergo lifeless).

Aside from flip-flopping from one administrative task to the next on one hand, you still have to look over your agents on the other hand. Dealing with various people is not always a walk in the park. I always believed that you can not please everybody and because of that, you don’t have to please everybody. Now, it seems that my personal belief has changed. I am always in the constant pursuit to make everybody happy or feel good at least. Agents are responsible for their individual performance, but I strongly believe that the coaches are partly responsible for that as well. When you deal with your agents, you deal with a variety of personalities.

There are agents, who are sensitive and uptight. These are the agents who are traditional, you always have to be careful with your choice of words when you are talking to them because you wouldn’t know if they are already being offended or not, which in most cases, they are offended by everything that comes out of your mouth but they don’t say anything about it.

And then, there are the agents who are very vocal with their thoughts. They are the non-traditional people who have very modern personalities. You can say whatever to them. You can be your own person when you’re with them. They are the agents that you can always open up with. They are the easiest to talk to but the hardest to control.

And, of course, there are the agents who lack so much of a personality; you really don’t know how to handle them. You can’t see their strengths and as well as their weaknesses, you don’t know when they are happy and you don’t know when they are sad or frustrated. In short, you don’t know them and it’s hard to get to know them.

On the other hand, there are some agents who have so much personality, they’re too much to handle. When dealing with them, it’s like dealing with different people every other day. They are pathological. They are very good in lying and they are very good in making you feel comfortable when you’re with them. When you ask them to explain something (i.e why they’re absent or why they’re late), they are the ones who can come up with the most creative and the most out-of-this world reasons.

And finally, there are the feel-good agents. These are the agents who would use their charm to get through to anything and to anyone. Sometimes, you can get really really mad at them but when you are finally confronting them, all your frustrations would dissipate into the clouds because they would just flash their dimples, their pearly whites or even their legs.

This is just the tip of the iceberg, there are still a lot left unsaid. Anyway, I think that there is always drama wherever we are. And it makes life a little more colorful.

LIFE IS GAY

I encountered a lot of people who were asking how or why I turned out to be gay. Honestly speaking, even I can’t really figure out the exact reasons and details on how I was turned from an ugly moth into a fabulous butterfly.

One thing I know for sure is that when my mom brought me into this horrible world. Nobody knew that I will turn out gay; otherwise, I should have been a supermodel by now hiding under the name of Nicole.

What I could remember, though, was that when I was very young I like playing Barbie dolls, tinikling, jackstone, tinda-tindahan, etc. I really hated physical games. I don’t like running, hitting someone with a ball …. I hate sports. At that time, I should have felt that my fingers were sticking out all over the place and that my right eyebrow was always an inch higher than the other one. My grandfather (may he rest in peace) always used to tell me that it is not proper for a boy to play Barbie dolls, etc. He always tells me that I should come out and play with other boys and if I don’t I’ll grow up to be a fag. So, I was shocked and scared out of my wits. At that time, I didn’t want to grow up gay. I did what I have to do. I followed my grandfather’s advice and I built this mindset that I am a guy.

During elementary days, nobody suspected that the blood running through my veins is prettier than pink. And because I was a consistent honor student, there were a lot of girls in my school who adored me. I also had several crushes as well. I even courted a girl for crying out loud. I had my first girlfriend when I was in grade five.

I noticed back then that I had this thing for majorettes. Well, of course, at that time, I wasn’t sure if I was ATTRACTED to majorettes or I wanted to BECOME a majorette myself. But I really didn’t bother about it. I was still confident with my sexuality. I was still walking tall with my pseudo-heterosexual head held up high.

During the first half of highshool, I had two different (wait ….. I have to throw up ….. ) girlfriends. (And I am having goosebumps right now by just writing about it. This is giving me the creeps). Also, during that time, I had this very close friend, Nikolai. He actually resembled Patrick Garcia at those times. We were bestfriends and we were inseparable.

During the Junior year, Nikolai courted one of our friends, Martha, and I on the other hand, courted another girl. But during that point in time, I felt something very wrong going on inside of me. I really couldn’t understand what that was. I always had these mood swings as if I am an old maid on the verge of being in the menopausal phase of life. And when I had these mood swings I always get into an argument with Nikolai. Most of the times, I would concoct a reason out of thin air just for us to argue and just for me to be mad at Nikolai.

And so I thought, the reason behind those mood swings was that I also like Martha. And so I dropped my interest with the other girl that I was courting and I also pursued Martha with Nikolai as my main adversary. It was a very long and complicated process that even our group of friends got rumbled up altogether.

Until it came to a point, wherein it got so complicated and I was so confused that I didn’t even know what I was doing anymore.

And then, the reality hit me …. Just like that …. It was Nikolai that I like and not Martha.

At first it was really hard to accept that I had deep emotional feelings with a guy. I knew it was wrong. I knew that it was against every known principle that I believed in for so long. I couldn’t hide it and I couldn’t lie about it. I couldn’t hide my true feelings and even though, I knew that revealing it might not be a very good idea, I declared my love to Nikolai. And that was the day when my heterosexuality was sucked into the blackhole of “oh-so-forgotten-past”.

And then, my enlightenment started and everything made sense to me. I was able to see life in a different and a more vivid perspective. When I went out, I felt that a large chunk was lifted off of my shoulders and I actually felt better.

Well, the sad part is that, Nikolai and I didn’t end up together because he said that he wasn’t gay (back then).

But the good thing is that I was able to come out of my shell and discovered who I really was. For me, I think that it was partly a matter of personal choice and partly law of nature. I didn’t force myself to be gay. And I didn’t force myself to love Nikolai more than just a friend. It just came and I felt it. When you felt the first spark of true love, it is way different, and you know it when it finally hits you.

The only thing that I had to do was to make a choice. And I made that choice …. To accept who I am, which was hard … damn hard.

So that’s the story. And that was when my life actually started.

REALITY BITES

It was pretty much one of the most boring weekends of my entire life. I spent the whole day lying on my bed watching TV and browsing through the gazillions of DVDs that I have bought from Metrowalk. I wanted to go out. Just to go somewhere but it is too hot outside.

Around after lunch, one of my friends (Leo) texted me and asked if I’m doing something and where was I at that time. I replied to him and told him that I’m just in my room doing nothing. After two minutes, my phone rang. Leo was calling.

So, I answered in my usual flamboyant, gay and high-pitched tone that would put Cindy Lauper to shame. But Leo didn't’t respond right away. So, I said “Hello” again. I could hear him from the other line. Then, when he uttered his first words, I knew then that something was wrong. He told me that something harsh happened. I asked him what was he talking about but he didn't’t want to tell it to me over the phone. He asked me to come over to his place so that we can talk about it. At first, I thought that this could be just another drama anthology moment because I know Leo a lot. He is the type of faggot that can come up with an entire tragedy just because he gained a pound. But then, again, I felt that something very serious was up. So I told him that I would come over.

Well, it took me around five hours to prepare and step out of the house. I needed a lot of energy and preparation because Leo lives in Sampaloc, and I was coming from Pasig. So, it’s another voyage to Mecca for me.

I arrived at Leo’s place at around 8pm due to the excruciating traffic along U-belt. On my way, I thought that whatever it is, it could only be two things: either he was robbed by his boytoy or …. He was robbed by his boytoy!

I was about to open the gate to the house and I could already hear Leo crying his brains out. It sounds as if a pig was being butchered right in the middle of Leo’s living room. I thought for myself that it could have been a massacre and I would have turned into a victim. But of course it was the Elsa Castillo in me. I hurried into the house.

As I got into the house, Leo was there slumped on a sofa, sobbing. I immediately approached him and asked what the problem was.

He couldn't’t make himself speak. Initially, I felt his dire attempt to speak up but nothing was coming out from his mouth other than senseless, incomprehensible sounds of suffering with all the tears, sweat and mucous.

I went into the kitchen to grab a glass of water and I let him drink it. After a couple of minutes he calmed down.

He finally told me what was going on. Apparently, he just heard from another friend that Dennis died. Dennis was Leo’s most recent ex-boyfriend and his most loved.

Actually, Leo changed a lot after his break-up with Dennis almost a year ago. He became very bitter, so bitter that an ampalaya would actually borrow bitterness from him. After Dennies, Leo didn't’t have any decent and serious relationships. This is not because he can’t find one but rather he doesn’t want to find one. Leo is goodlooking, smart, and has a stable job. It is very easy for him to grab someone somewhere and that person would forget everything for him. He can make somebody fall for him effortlessly. But after his break-up with Dennis, none of these matter to him anymore.

Until now, it is still a big mystery for us why they decided to end their relationship because for all I know they were almost perfect together. And when we ask Leo about it, he wouldn’t mention why they had to break up.

I spent the night at Leo’s. I watched him drowse off when he was too exhausted to cry.

Now, I’m thinking how harsh reality is. I was actually thinking of writing about happy and enjoyable stuff but I come to think of it, I guess there are more tragedies in our life than comedies. There is more suffering than happiness. I really feel sorry for Leo. I have never experienced losing someone very close and when I saw how devastated Leo was, I would never know what to do when the time comes that I’ll be in his position.

I heard a lot of people saying that everything happens for a reason.

Leo and Dennis had their reason why they loved each other.

They also had their reason why they broke up.

There is a reason why Dennis died.

But I am still wondering what could be the reason why someone has to suffer.

It is really a harsh reality.

Reality bites …. But sometimes … it does not only bite .. it swallows you alive … then spits you alive …. Then swallows you again.

THE LOVE OF ANOTHER. THE HATE OF THE OTHER

I grew up in a family wherein most of us aren’t that emotional and sensitive about the feelings of one another. We rarely show and express our emotions. To be honest, I can only count using both of my hands how many times my parents said they love me. We don’t say if we are angry or not …happy or not. I guess, that was just the way we were. But I really do not have any qualms about these. I didn’t take this against them. I mean, when I finally grew up and became more mature, I know for myself that my parents and my brothers love me, and I feel the same way toward them. We just don’t use words very much often.

Now that I am writing about love, I put it that the reason why I really can’t grasp the full essence of it is maybe perhaps the way that I was brought up. It’s not that it’s a bad thing but what I am trying to say is that, I don’t have the physical image of love aside from metaphors I picked up from silly, romantic books and from tear-jerking Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan movies.

To be honest, up to this point, I really don’t think if I have that strong sense of faith and belief about love like most people do. Through time, I have been in and out of relationships, good and bad ones. But never did I experience that sort of nirvana and butterfly-in-the-stomach feeling that a lot of people describe when they fell in love. The relationships that I had were just relationships, I mean, an agreement between two consenting adults regarding being attached to one another and do all those mushy stuff people who are in love do. I just do those stuff because I think that those were the right things to do. When you are in a relationship, you are supposed to be in love … and when you are in-love, you are supposed to cuddle, have sex, share a lot of things, be together always (if not all the time). Again, I did it because I’m already in that position and not because I’m in love.

I guess, that is the big question … I do not know how to fall in love. Or maybe, I did know how to but there’s just this grand defense-mechanism scheme within my system that forced me to forget. Or maybe even perhaps forcing me not to fall in love. It’s either that or I would have to rely on the sugar-coated saying, “You’ll know it when you see the right person. All you have to do is wait.” I am writing this not out of bitterness but about the fact that I might actually be in love. And there’s no way of telling.

Here’s the thing … of course, number one, there is a guy involved, and number two, I am sort of attracted to him. The good thing is that I know when I am attracted to someone but I just don’t know if that attraction is worth it or that attraction can actually lead to something more serious or romantic than daydreaming about him shirtless.

Okay … I want to lay all the cards down on the table. Let’s weigh the gravity of this.

1. He’s a straight guy - I have a principle that a straight will never do gay unless, he will be under extreme pressure. By extreme pressure, I mean financial issues, sexuality issues and the like. But the bad thing is that it is highly unlikely for this person to have financial issues. Also, I think that he is very comfortable with his sexuality and I don’t think that he is keeping any (pink) skeletons in his closet. So that leaves me ….. no room or opportunity to exert pressure.

2. He has a girlfriend – Not only that he is a straight guy .. he is also a straight guy with a straight girl tagging along.

3. He’s sweet – I guess that’s the problem, he’s too sweet that I often misinterpret it as something different. I can’t help it … I have a bright and malicious mind. But I guess, I would have to stop here or else, I might write something that would pretty much give away what I’m talking about.

All I can say is that, I am unlike the others, who would immediately attack and take advantage of any given opportunity. I am also not the type who would impress someone just because I like the guy. I mean, I am myself, and if he is really to like me … then, he would have to like me as it is. But if he doesn’t, then, I really can’t do anything about it.

All in all, I’m not that too much “Head Over Heels” with him. It’s just that … I’m curious… on what may happen but I can survive without thinking about him. And I am concerned about the other people who might actually be experiencing the same thing I do. And I don’t know if I should do something about it.

Wutever … let’s just see what happens …